The One With the Next Season
by Duke100
Summary: Have you ever wondered what would happen if Rachel stayed in Paris in the finale? Here's my version of a new season of Friends! Episode Four added April 9th.
1. The One Where Ross is Depressed

_**The One with the Next Season**_

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**Disclaimer: I don't own Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Ross, Chandler, or Mike. Marta Kauffman, David Crane, and Kevin S. Bright own them. But I do own Mr. Jeckles! (as if that was a GOOD thing)**

**Introduction: I've always wondered what Friends would be like if there was an 11th season. I've also wondered what it would be like if Rachel stayed in Paris. Here's MY version of the new season!**

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_The One Where Ross is Depressed_

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OPENING SCENE

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_**Chandler and Monica have FINALLY finished unpacking, and they are relaxing in their living room.**_

"Well, we did it!" Monica said.

"Yeah, we're finally in this house…Took long enough," Chandler said, closing his eyes.

The couple was about to go to sleep, when they were awakened by the cries of the babies.

"It's your turn!" Chandler cried, sleepily.

"We have TWINS." Monica began. "We can't afford to take turns!"

She grabbed her husband and they went to the nursery. After ten minutes, they were back in the living room.

"You know," Chandler began, "Do you realize how much has changed in 10 years?"

"I know! I never would have thought that my brother would get married 3 times, or that I would be married to you!"

"Oh, I feel so special!" said Chandler, slumping in his chair.

"Come on, Chan!" Monica said, sitting next to him. "I just mean that after you called me fat that Thanksgiving, I didn't think I'd be with you."

Chandler was bored of this, so he changed the subject. "So how's Ross been doing?"

"He's still miserable. Since Rach left, he hasn't gone out of the apartment. We'd better do something to cheer him up."

"Yeah," Chandler said. "If he keeps this up, he'll never be happy and he'll never find his next wife!"

Monica punched him in the shoulder and laughed.

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OPENING CREDITS

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**Starring **

**Jennifer Aniston**

**Courteney Cox Arquette**

**Lisa Kudrow**

**Matt LeBlanc**

**Matthew Perry**

**David Schwimmer**

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EPISODE

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_**Rachel is in her apartment, reading papers about Louis Vuitton. There is a knock and she goes to answer it. A very familiar man appears.**_

"Mr. Heckles?" Rachel cried. The man looked just like Rachel's former neighbor in New York, who died.

"Excuse me?" the man said.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Rachel said. "It's just…I had a neighbor who looks just like you! His name was Jerry…Jerry Heckles."

"Jerry Heckles?" the man wondered. "I had a cousin named Jerry. He lived in New York and died in 1995."

"Hey, I think your cousin was my neighbor!" Rachel exclaimed, shaking his hand. "I'm Rachel Green."

"I'm Terry…Terry Jeckles."

"Jeckles?"

"Yes, it's ironic. But I'm not like him…" he paused. "But I COULD be like him."

He walked away, and Rachel realized that she had found a Heckles Clone.

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_**Monica and Chandler are at their house, with Phoebe and Joey. Monica has a clipboard and is pacing.**_

"Okay everyone!" Monica shouted in her already loud voice. "Operation: Make Ross Feel Better About Rachel Leaving is in order!"

"And so is Operation: Ignore Monica When She Gets Bossy and Controlly," Phoebe whispered to Joey.

Apparently, Monica didn't hear her and kept talking. "Ross has been moping for days over Rachel. We NEED to do something to cheer him up!"

"Why?" Phoebe asked.

"Why? What do you mean why?"

"Well, why do we have to make him feel better? It's not like he's asking us to!"

"Anyway, I've decided to have a dinner party," Monica said, pretending Phoebe had never spoken. "And I have assignments for each of you!"

Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey stared at each other, when all of the sudden, the babies started crying.

"I'll go!" Chandler screamed, getting up.

"No, no! Let me do it!" Joey said, pushing him out of the way.

"Ladies first!" shrieked Phoebe, running into the nursery and closing the door. Joey and Chandler sulkily returned to Monica, who didn't even notice the frenzy.

"Now Joey," she began, "your job is to sneak into Ross's apartment and get his address book."

"And why would I do that?"

"First of all, you live closest to him. Besides we're going to invite all of his friends to the party and we need their numbers."

"Why?" Chandler began. "All of us are already here!"

Monica slapped him in the back of the head, as Phoebe came back out. "Phoebe, you're job is to provide entertainment!"

"That'll be easy!" Phoebe said. "I'll get my list of songs ready!"

Phoebe went to the kitchen to practice. Meanwhile, Chandler sat in front of Monica, waiting for his task.

"Oh yeah! You need a job…" Monica said, thinking. After a few seconds, she spoke up. "I've got it!"

"What?"

"You have the hardest task: Get Ross over here."

"Is there a plan B?"

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_**Meanwhile in Paris, Rachel is getting used to her apartment, when someone knocks.**_

Rachel opened the door and several people were outside. One of them was Mr. Jeckles.

"Mr. Jeckles?" Rachel screamed over the crowd. "What the hell is going on?"

"Your party!" the man replied, after blowing a party favor in her face.

"Whenever there's a new tenant, we throw a surprise party!"

Rachel just stared blankly at all of them for a minute. But then she got over herself and went with them.

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_**Back in New York, Ross is at his apartment, when there is a knock. Joey and Chandler are there.**_

"Hi…" Ross said in his usual voice when he was upset.

"Hey man, what's up?" Chandler asked as he and Joey came in.

"Nothing really," he replied as he plopped on his sofa.

"I'll be right back," Joey spoke up. "I'm going to…the bathroom…"

Joey winked to Chandler to let him know that he was going to get the address book. This gave him the perfect chance to convince Ross to come.

"So…" Chandler began. "What are you doing tomorrow night?"

"Not going on a date with you!" Ross replied, not even looking up.

Chandler just looked at him, and kept talking. "Anyway, Monica's having a housewarming party tomorrow night, and you're coming,"

"I am?"

"Yes."

"Who says?"

"Me."

"That doesn't scare me,"

"Does Monica?"

"Okay, I'll come."

Chandler relaxed at his surprisingly easy victory, when Joey came back with the book in his hand.

"Joey, why do you have my address book?" Ross asked, expecting a stupid lie.

"Well," Joey began, as he hung his head down, "there was a raccoon that just BURST into your room. And I said, 'Hey, that's Ross's!' and he said 'I don't care.'."

"And then I came and said, 'Let's get out of here!'" said Chandler, grabbing Joey by the arm and running out.

Ross just stood and stared at them. "They REALLY need to work on their plans."

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_**Rachel is talking to Monica and Phoebe on the phone.**_

"You guys would have no idea how interesting Paris is!" Rachel said.

"I can't believe we're apart!" Monica said.

"But, to make everything better," Phoebe began, "I've written a LOT of new songs! And I'll play them tonight at your party, Monica."

"What party?" Rachel said.

"Oh…" Monica said. She didn't want to mention Ross to Rachel yet, and she made a mental note to get Phoebe later. "It's just a housewarming party that we're having."

"No it isn't!" Phoebe spoke up. "It's a party to help…"

"—us!" Monica screamed. "It's to help us raise money!"

Rachel was about to speak when there was another knock on her door.

"Listen," she began, "someone's at the door. I'll talk to you later!"

"Bye Rach,"

"Bye! Keep your aura clean!"

"Bye guys," Rachel hung up the phone and went to the door. Mr. Jeckles was there.

"Oh hi, Mr. Jeckles," she said a little irritated. She had nothing against the man, but he was constantly around her.

"Hello," he said letting himself in. "Nice apartment."

"Thanks…" Rachel said a little scared. "How can I help you?"

"You have very nice things. I COULD have nice things."

"Okay…"

"You have a daughter?" Jeckles asked, looking at a picture of Emma.

"Yeah…her name is…Joan." Rachel said, not wanting to reveal her daughter's real name to that strange man.

"I COULD have a daughter."

"All you need now is a woman desperate enough to have one with you," Rachel thought. "Anyway sir," she asked again, "how can I help you today?"

"You can't. I have to go home and feed my daughter."

"You just said that you didn't have one." Rachel said.

"I COULD," he said monotonously and left.

Rachel waited for the man to leave, and then she went to the phone. "Hello, Main Office. I'd like to know if I could be transferred to a different room…"

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_**It is the night of the party. Monica is serving food, Joey and Chandler are staying away from the nerdy professors that Ross works with, and Mike is watching Phoebe sing.**_

**CREEPY NERDS (to the tune of Smelly Cat):**

**Creepy nerds, creepy nerds,**

**Why won't you go away?**

**Creepy nerds, creepy nerds,**

**Who'll never get laid!**

"Very creative, honey," Mike said, once Phoebe had finished.

"Thanks!" replied Phoebe happily. "I'll have my next set ready in five minutes!"

"Oh joy!" Mike said sarcastically, once Phoebe left. Meanwhile, Monica was fixing food in the kitchen.

"Hey Monica!" said Chandler, coming to her. "Where is Ross?"

"I just called him; he said he was almost here." Monica replied. "Why are you so worried anyway?"

"Joey and I are stuck here with a bunch of nerds!"

"No you're not. Mike's here!"

"Need I say more?"

"Chandler!" Monica screamed, after handing him a plate of refreshments. "At least take these out there."

Chandler cringed and slowly went back out. Soon Ross came in the door and went to Joey.

"Dude, why are there so many people here?"

Joey knew he couldn't lie, so he just ran away as fast as he could. Puzzled, Ross went to Monica as Phoebe began her next song.

**NERDZ IN THE HOUSE (to the tune of Farmer in the Dell):**

**The nerds are in the house!**

**The nerds are in the house!**

**The creepy nerds who'll never get laid,**

**The nerds are in the house!**

"Is she okay?" Ross asked Monica.

"I don't know. Until you came, she's been singing about how the guests can never have sex! That's so rude!"

"And for the majority, so true."

For the rest of that night, Phoebe kept singing songs about the sexless nerds, Joey and Chandler kept avoiding the sexless nerds, Monica kept trying to comfort the sexless nerds, and Ross DID have a good time and finally got over Rachel. How do I know this? Let's just say that one of the female sexless nerds isn't so sexless anymore!

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TAG

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_**Rachel is able to settle in her new apartment away from Mr. Jeckles. It is nighttime and she is in bed, when there is a knock.**_

"Good God!" Rachel screamed. "Who could that be this late?"

Rachel opened the door and saw her new neighbor.

"Hi," said the neighbor, "I'm Mr. Queckles."

Rachel slammed the door and screamed, running into her room to hide.

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**There's my first episode! I hope you all liked it! Please review; I appreciate them all!**

**Here Are Some Episodes To Look Forward To:**

**The One With Rachel's First Day**

**The One Where They're Locked Out**

**The One With the Dinner**


	2. The One With Rachel's First Day

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, except Mr. Testaverde and Mr. Jeckles. Why must I own bad stuff?**

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_The One With Rachel's First Day_

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OPENING SCENE

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_**Monica and Ross are at her house, playing with the babies and talking.**_

"So Ross," Monica said, "I heard that you met someone last night at the party."

"I guess…I don't think it's anything though," Ross said.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, all night, she kept analyzing how we had sex!"

"Analyzing?" Monica asked.

"Yeah," he replied. "'First inside, then outside, then in, then out, th-"

"Okay, okay!" screamed Monica, covering her children's ears.

Ross began to laugh as Chandler came in.

"Hey, what's so funny?" he asked.

"Oh nothing," Monica said. "Your brother-in-law is just polluting the minds of our children!"

"Hey!" Ross screamed. "In MY defense, you two did it while Emma was in the next room!"

Neither of them commented on that.

"Anyway," Chandler said, changing the subject. "We have a new ad campaign at my job."

"What is it?" asked Ross.

"Well, each of us has one week to come up with a brand new dessert. So I was thinking that I could make it, and you guys could try it."

"Great!" Monica said. "But remember…"

"What?"

"If you use fruit…don't wash them with SOAP!"

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OPENING CREDITS

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**Starring:**

**Jennifer Aniston**

**Courteney Cox-Arquette**

**Lisa Kudrow**

**Matt LeBlanc**

**Matthew Perry**

**David Schwimmer**

**and Danny DeVito as Roy Testaverde (I have no idea why!)**

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EPISODE

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_**Rachel is walking into the Louis Vuitton building on her first day of work. Just picture a really large building. She goes up to the front desk, to a clerk.**_

"Hi, I'm Rachel Green. I'm starting work here today, and I was told that I needed to see a…" she looked in her purse (designed by Louis Vuitton!) for the man's name. "Here it is! Mr. Roy Testaverde. Do you know where I can find him?"

The clerk just looked up from the magazine she was reading and said: "Huh?"

"Roy Testaverde? The manager of the Sales Department,"

"Oh!" the clerk finally said. "The short guy; he's on the sixth floor, first room you'll see."

"Thanks…" Rachel said, mysteriously walking away. She got into an elevator, and eventually got to the top of the sixth floor. When she knocked on the door of Mr. Testaverde's office, a grunt signaled for her to enter.

"Oh my god!" Rachel gasped; her new boss looked just like the stripper at Phoebe's bachelorette party!

"Hey!" the man got up and walked to her. "You look very familiar…but I don't know exactly how…"

"Really?" Rachel said nervously, backing away a little.

"Oh yeah! Now I remember! You're the girl who convinced me to teach stripping!"

"So you really ARE that stripper?" Rachel said.

"I guess I am," he replied.

"How on earth did you go from stripping to this?"

"Don't worry about it!" he shrieked, sitting back down, and pointing to a chair for her to sit in.

"So I'm guessing that you're Mr. Testaverde?"  
"That's correct," said Testaverde, his attitude completely changing from easy-going to shrill and strict, now that she knew about his past.

"Well anyway, I'm Rachel Green. I'm starting here today, and I was told to report to you."

She handed him a folder with her files, and he began to look through them. As he was looking, her cell phone began to ring.

"Oh, sorry! I'll be quick. It's just my friend Phoebe."

"Why are you telling me this? How am I supposed to know who this _Phoebe_ is?"

"Well," Rachel began. "It was _her_ bachelorette party that you stripped at."

Testaverde merely blushed as Rachel took the call.

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_**We'll now switch the story over to New York. In Central Perk, Phoebe is on her cell, talking to Rachel. Joey and Ross are also there.**_

"Really? The stripper is your boss?" Phoebe said on the phone. "I can't believe that…I wonder how he got there...Okay…Talk to you later…bye."

Phoebe hung up the phone, as Ross came up with coffee for them all.

"Who was that on the phone?" Ross began.

"Oh…nobody." Phoebe said. Even though Ross had become more active, they knew he was still very upset about Rachel.

"Whatever," Ross said, giving all of his attention to his coffee.

"Listen you guys," Phoebe began, "I have to get home. And by the way, Monica wants all of us at her place tonight."

Phoebe left Ross and Joey alone. As soon as she was gone, Joey took a sigh of relief.

"What's with you?" Ross asked.

"Well," Joey sat up, and Ross paid more attention. "I can't be around Phoebe."  
"Why? What's wrong with her?"

"It's not really her…it's more me…"  
"Joe, what are you getting at?"

"It's nothing man. Don't worry about it."

"All right then," Ross said, getting up. "I've got a class to get to."

Right when Ross was about to leave, Joey spoke up. "I'm in love with Phoebe…'

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**_Back in Paris, Rachel is on her break, when someone comes up to her._**

"Oh my God…not here!" Rachel thought as her neighbor came up to her.

"Rachel Green! It's so good to see you!"

"Um...yeah…" Rachel said to her apparent business associate, Mr. Jeckles.

"Well, I see you're a big business person here. I COULD be a big business person here!"

"So…" said Rachel, looking for small talk, "You're NOT a big business person here?"

"No, I'm just the janitor. All I get is this mop, while other people get a broom. But I COULD get a broom!"

"Great…you work on that broom, Mr. Jeckles." Rachel said, briskly walking (and soon running) back to her office, where she found Mr. Testaverde.

"Oh hello, sir," she said, taking a few breaths.

"Green." he said sternly, still remembering that she knew of his past. "Listen, I have a big job for you!"

"Okay,"

"Listen, Ralph Lauren is coming out with a new style of lunchboxes for children. So, I want YOU to come up with an entire presentation of new styles by tomorrow. Make it last two hours, with at least fifteen styles. Get to work, Green!" Testaverde said rapidly, and starting to leave the room.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute!" Rachel screamed, going after him. "You want a two hour presentation by tomorrow from the newest employee? Isn't that a little unfair?"

"Honey, back in my day, I learned two things: the first was that life is unfair! And the second is…"

"To never take off your leopard print G-string before your zebra print bondage suit?" Rachel said, interrupting him.

"No…" he said, after a long pause. "That's the third thing! The second is to never wear a leopard print bondage suit and a leather G-string at the same time! It's just tacky!"

Testaverde ran (or waddled, if you prefer) back to his office, leaving a stunned Rachel in the hallway. All of the sudden, Mr. Jeckles returned.

"So, you know his secret? You know, he still does it part time. I COULD do it part time!"

Rachel just turned and stared at him. "How on Earth do YOU know that?"

"April 2004. Strip club, lap dance, you know the deal!" Jeckles said walking away.

Rachel was left by herself, when she said: "Damn, I need a new job!"

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_**Back in New York, Westchester to be exact, Chandler is in the kitchen, cooking his **__**dessert. Monica is practically stalking him.**_

Chandler went to the cabinet and got a large pot. As he headed to the stove, Monica said: "Careful…"

Chandler put the pot on the stove; "Careful!" Monica said again.

Chandler got a bag of sugar and started to pour it into the pot; Monica screamed "CAREFUL!"

Everything was white; a few seconds later, Chandler was staring angrily at Monica, who was looking at a pot filled to the top with sugar. But before he had time to yell, Ross and Joey burst into the house.

"Joey, are you serious? Of all people? Are you absolutely sure?" Ross screamed.

Chandler and Monica heard the commotion and came into the living room.

"What's going on?" Monica asked.

Joey sat down and gave Ross the OK to tell them. "Joey thinks he's in love with Phoebe!"

"What?" they both screamed.

"How can you possibly be in love with her? You haven't even been on a date or anything!"

"That's not entirely true…"

"What do you mean?" Ross asked.

"Well, about a week after Rachel left, (Ross cringed at Rachel's name) Mike had to go out of town on a business trip…"

"What business?" Monica asked. "He plays keyboard at a sleazy nightclub!"

"Anyway," Joey continued, "Phoebe remembered that the next day, she had to go to a masseuse convention in Brooklyn, and she needed a date. With Mike out of town, I stepped up."

"Well, does Mike know about this?" Ross asked.

"Yeah," he replied. "It was just intended to be a friendly outing, so Mike gave the OK. But during that trip, I realized how more and more beautiful she looked, and how much fun I was having with her."

"Are you sure it isn't a crush? It was a crush with Rachel." Chandler pondered, as Ross cringed again.

"Remember, it wasn't exactly a crush with Rachel, either-"

"Enough with the damn cringing, Ross!" Monica screamed, now very annoyed.

"Have pity on me, Monica! You now I'll never get over this fully! You know, you can be a little irritable sometimes."

"I KNOW!" Monica screamed in her usual voice. Joey cleared his throat and they all turned their attention back to him.

"Well, you know that whole history with Rachel. (It appeared that Ross was going to cringe again, but he stopped when receiving an angry glare from Monica) It might be another crush, but…after eleven years, I think that there's more to explore."

"But what about Mike?" Chandler said. "Phoebe's married. What are you possibly going to do?"

"Nothing." Joey told him. "I'll just pretend that I don't like her. She's my friend, Phoebe. My friend, Phoebe. My friend, Phoebe. My friend, Phoebe. My friend, Phoebe."

Just then, Phoebe walked in with Mike.

"Hi Girlfriend…" Joey thought in his mind. Chandler could tell he was thinking that, so he snapped him out of his trance.

"So what are you guys talking about?" Mike asked them.

"OH NOTHING!" screamed Monica in her already loud voice.

"Hey, by the way," Joey said to Chandler and Monica, "Why were you guys so pale and white when we came in?"

Chandler just looked at his wife who smiled casually, pretending nothing happened.

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_**In Paris, Rachel is entering the building with several folders, papers, etc. She goes to the front desk where she sees the receptionist from the day before.**_

"Hi again. I need to get to Conference Room C. Can you tell me where it is?"

The woman put her newest magazine down and looked up. "Fourth floor, third door on your right…" she said uncaringly.

"Right…" Rachel said, walking away. Eventually, she reached the conference room, where she saw Mr. Testaverde.

"So, Green, are you ready for your two hour presentation?" he asked her sternly.

"You bet I am, sir."

"I doubt it…" he meant to think, but accidentally said within Rachel's earshot. "Anyway!" he said, changing the subject. "In a minute, several associates will be in here to observe your performance. If they like it, they'll buy your line of lunchboxes, and all profits will go to you."

"Really?"

"No!" he screamed, laughing. "But you will get a five dollar raise!"

"Oh I wonder what I'll get first!" said Rachel, but her boss didn't hear.

After about ten minutes, Testaverde spoke. "Here come the associates!"

In came seven children aged six to ten. Each had on a business suit, and they all sat down, leaving Rachel to broadcast her new line to them…

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_**It is later in the night at the Bing residence. Ross, Joey, Phoebe, and Mike are sitting at the table. Phoebe and Mike are playing with the twins, and Ross and Joey are half-playing with Emma, and half-talking about Phoebe. (A/N: Remember, Rachel's mother is taking her to Paris a little later on, so she is with Ross for the time being.)**_

"So how's it going?" Ross asked him.

"Okay so far. I don't think she suspects anything, but I'm not sure I can keep it up! I mean, she's so amazing, and so nice, and so hot…so very hot…so beautiful and hot…will you excuse me?" he screamed, running into the bathroom to…alleviate.

Just then Monica came out with some plates. "Okay everyone, I hope you liked dinner. Now Chandler made a dessert for all of us…so just pretend to like it!"

She left to get Chandler, as Joey came out of the bathroom. "What's going on?"

"Chandler cooked dessert, and Monica wants us to pretend to like it if we don't," Ross told him.

"Hey! Just like Rachel's trifle!" Joey said, remembering a dessert that Rachel made one Thanksgiving. Again, Ross cringed at hearing Rachel's name.

"Okay everybody!" said Chandler, coming in with his dessert. "Here's my amazing dessert. I call it the Chandler-Choker!"

There was a long pause, and then Phoebe spoke up. "Um…one question…Why?"

"Well, it's made by the future chef, Chandler, and it's so good, you'll want to choke on it!"

Another long pause followed.

"Whatever, just enjoy," he said, sitting down.

Chandler began to eat his dessert, and appears to be enjoying it. Monica takes very small bites for the sake of her husband, but everyone else just picks at it. Chandler appears to notice.

"Hey, what's with you guys?" he said. "Why aren't you eating my dessert?"

"Well Chandler…" Mike said. "It's very…very…"

"What he means is that…" Ross said, "it's…um…it…"

"Oh the hell with it, you big babies!" Phoebe shrieked. "Chandler, I'll put it this way. You're dessert looks like Ross's Halloween costume, but without the antenna!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" said Chandler, shocked.

All together they screamed, "IT LOOKS LIKE DOODIE!"

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TAG

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**_It's about a week later, and Monica is talking to Rachel on the phone. Phoebe and Ross are also there. Joey is there too, but he is in the bathroom._**

"So how did that presentation go, Rach?" Monica asked.

"Really, really great! The kids liked it so much that their parents decided to pay me instead of the company! Testaverde was furious!"

"What did he do?"

"Well, he took away my five dollar raise," she replied.

"Hey, did you get that package I sent you?" asked Monica.

"You mean the doodie?"

"Yeah. Did you taste it?"

"Yeah, it was really good!"

"WHAT?" Monica exclaimed.

"Yeah." Rachel began. "It tasted terrible at first and it smelled awful too, but for Chandler's sake, I just plugged my nose and took a bite. It turns out that's the secret!"

"Let me try that! Talk to you later."

"Bye," Rachel said.

Monica went into the kitchen and took out a lunchbox that Rachel designed and sent to them. In the lunchbox were the leftovers from Chandler's dessert. She took them to the living room and Phoebe and Ross saw them.

"Hey, the doodie's back!" Phoebe exclaimed.

"Listen guys, take a bite out of this, and plug your noses together."

"Okay…" they both said.

They all tried the dessert with their noses plugged.

"Oh my God!"  
"That's the best thing I've ever tasted!"

"This is what Heaven must taste like!"

All of the sudden, Joey came out of the bathroom, and saw everyone with their noses plugged.

"Hey!" Joey said, "The bathroom's upstairs! How can you possibly smell that?"

They all just stared at him.

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**I know I am evil for taking like a month to update! You all feel free to hate me! It was a little difficult writing this particular episode, but I did it finally! Please review!**

**Coming Up Next: _The One Where They're Locked Out_**


	3. The One Where They're Locked Out

**Disclaimer: I only own Jeckles, Testaverde, Mia, and Phillip. The amazing Marta Kauffman, the brilliant David Crane, and the remarkable Kevin S. Bright own the stupendous six!... (and Mike, I guess)**

**Author's Note 1: Again, you all probably want me to die for taking so long to update, but I do have a good reason. The creators of Friends consider some episodes "Super Sized", which basically means that there is more stuff. I consider this a Super Size episode, because it is currently my longest. Plus, I just started school, so that added to the wait. But to make it up to you, there's a way for you to get involved. (See the end)**

**Author's Note 2: I know that while the majority of the gang lives in NYC, Rachel lives in Paris, and the time zones are different, but I don't really feel like dealing with that junk, so in my little AU, every place in the world has the same time zone. The End.**

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_The One Where They're Locked Out_

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OPENING SCENE

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_**Joey, Chandler, Ross, and Monica are in Central Perk, when Phoebe walks in.**_

"Hey guys," she said, coming in.

"Hey!" Chandler, Ross, and Monica replied, as Joey gave a shy wave.

Phoebe went to get a cup of coffee at the counter, as the others talked to Joey.

"You've got to do something about this Phoebe thing; it's tearing you apart." Chandler said.

"No it's not; I'm totally fine. Phoebe's just my friend. My friend Phoebe, my friend Phoebe, my friend Phoebe."

At that moment, Phoebe came back.

"GIRLFRIEND!" Joey screamed, so that everyone in Central Perk (and Central _Park_ for that matter).

"Um Joey…are you okay?" Phoebe asked him.

"Yeah," Chandler began. "We were playing a game called…'Name Three Things That Ross Will Never Get'…and he won!"

"Actually," Ross said. "We were playing a game called 'What Things Did Chandler Never Have Before Monica!'"

Phoebe ignored them and sat down. "So anyway, my friend, Phillip, is a magician, and he invited all of us to his show tonight. Do you want to come?"

Chandler, Monica, and Ross are eagerly agreed. Joey gave a quick nod.

"So anyway," continued Phoebe, apparently not noticing Joey's apprehensiveness, "It starts at seven. Mike and I will meet you guys here at six-thirty. Okay?"

They all agreed to meet there. Then Phoebe gave her goodbyes and left.

"So Joe," Ross said, "Are you gonna be okay with this?"  
"What do you mean?"

Chandler spoke up. "Well, it's our first "outing" since the whole crush thing started."  
"How many times do I have to tell you guys? I am fine with this! I got over my crush with Rachel, didn't I?"

"Yeah," Monica began, "Right after you proposed to her and actually did go out with her!"

"Whatever! Phoebe is just my friend. My friend Phoebe. My fri-"

"Do we really have to do this again?" Chandler screamed.

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OPENING CREDITS

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**Starring:**

**Jennifer Aniston**

**Courteney Cox-Arquette**

**Lisa Kudrow**

**Matt LeBlanc**

**Matthew Perry**

**David Schwimmer**

**with Paul Rudd as Mike**

**and Danny DeVito as Roy Testaverde**

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EPISODE

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_**Rachel is in her office when Mr. Testaverde walks in.**_

"Hello Green," he said shrilly.

"Good morning sir. Is there a problem?"

"Oh, there's no problem at all, for you anyway. I wouldn't say the same for the unfortunate fool who becomes your assistant."

"What do you mean sir?" she said, standing up.

"Well, apparently, you are doing very well here. So well, that you can now get an assistant."

"Wow. This is such an honor!" she walked toward him to shake his hand, but he walked away quickly.

"So anyway Green," Testaverde continued, "The poor saps will be here in about two hours. So be prepared."

Mr. Testaverde left the office, and as he did Mr. Jeckles walked in with his broom.

"Oh..." she sighed seeing her neighbor, "Hi Mr. Jeckles…"

"Hello Rachel," he said, then he raised him broom. "I got my broom!"

"Um...I'm happy for you," she replied, slightly remembering that he had wanted a broom.

"So…anything new?" he asked her.

"Well…I'm getting an assistant."

"Hmm. You know, I COULD get an assistant!" he said.

"That's nice to know, Mr. Jeckles. Now I've got a lot of work to do, good day!" Rachel said very quickly, looking at her work.

"Oh, you have work. You know, I COULD have work!"

"Again, I'm very happy for you," Rachel said, uncaring.

"Happy? I COULD be happy!"

"Oh God!" Rachel screamed, as she dropped her head down and let Jeckles talk about what he COULD have.

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_**In New York, Ross, Chandler, and Joey are at Joey's apartment. Ross and Chandler are in the living room, waiting on Joey, who is in his own room.**_

"Joey! What is this big surprise?" Chandler asked.

"Yeah, we have to go soon!" Ross added.

"Hold on! I'm coming out now!"

Joey came out of his room and was wearing a tuxedo and a large top hat. He had a purple cape draped over his back, and he was holding a stick (yes, a stick).

"So what do you think?" he asked Ross and Chandler.

"I'm just hoping that you don't poke us with that stick!" Chandler said.

"It's not a stick! It's a magic wand!"

"And why exactly would you need a 'magic wand'?" Ross asked.

"I'm a magician!"

"Really? That's great!" Chandler said. "Now make yourself disappear."

Joey frowned at him, but went on. "Since Phoebe likes magicians so much, I'm going to be a magician now! Then she'll totally fall for me!"

"Okay, point one," Ross began, "is that you said you were over this crush. Point two is that Phoebe doesn't like that magician! She married a piano player!"

"Yeah, I don't care." Joey said, ignoring Ross. "Listen, I'm wearing this tonight and maybe Phoebe will want me to perform a bunch of tricks for her."

"Not a word, Chandler!" Ross said, stopping him from making a sarcastic comment.

"Anyway, what do you guys think?"

"Well, Joe, Phoebe doesn't like magicians." said Chandler. "She likes sleazy piano players who propose to her on an exotic vacation."

"…yeah, but I can't play piano."

"But you can't do magic either." Ross added.

"How hard can it be?" Joey said. "Just look at this," he took of his top hat and set it on the table. "Okay everyone! Feast your eyes as I, Joey the Jolly, will make a rabbit come out of a hat!"

"A rabbit?" Ross said.

"Joey the Jolly?" Chandler said.

"Just say the magic words!" Joey said, ignoring them both. "Jolly-Joey-gets-the-girls-and-does-'em-every-day!"

"Very catchy," Chandler sighed.

"SAY IT!" he screamed.

"Jolly-Joey-gets-the-girls-and-does-'em-every-day…" Chandler and Ross murmured.

"Abracadabra! A rabbit will appear!" he screamed, not realizing that he used two magic words. He reached into his hat and pulled out…

"Your stuffed penguin, Hugsy?" Ross screamed, as Joey was holding his bedtime pal in his hand.

"HUGSY!" Joey said to the penguin. "Where is your rabbit costume?"

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**_Back in Paris, Rachel is in a conference room with five candidates for her assistant position. The candidates are eating lunch, and Rachel is in a secluded area, talking to Monica on her cell._**

"I can't believe you are getting an assistant!" Monica said.

"I know! There are two I really have to choose between: this one girl who's really qualified, and this other guy."

"That's all about the other guy? He's not good or anything?"

"No…not really. But he's super hot!"

"Rach! You made that mistake before! Remember Tag?"

Rachel thought for a minute. "Tag who?" she said, trying to cover herself.

"You know Tag! If you hire the cute assistant, it's going to be the Tag incident all over again!"

"Not necessarily!" Rachel exclaimed.

"Okay." Monica said. "How is this different?"

"That's because Tag and I broke up on my thirtieth birthday. And even if I start a relationship with this guy, I will never turn thirty again! Thus, we will never break up!"

"Yes, but you will turn forty soon!"

"Monica!" Rachel began. "I am nowhere near forty!"

"Okay then, what about 37?"

"Damn you Monica! Fine, I'll hire the perfect-for-the-job-bitch."

"That's better. I knew you had a good heart." Monica said. "Well, I've got to get ready for that magic show."

"Okay, talk to you later." Rachel said, as Monica said goodbye as well. Rachel went back to the candidates and cleared her throat. They all paid attention.

"Now everyone, I have made my decision. My new assistant is…Ms. Mia De Martinez. Thank you all for coming out today!

All of the other losers left the room, leaving Rachel with her new assistant, Mia.

"Ms. Green," she said, going to shake her hand, "This is such an honor! And to show my appreciation, I am taking you out for dinner tonight, my treat!"

"Oh that's not necessary!" she began.

"No no!" she said, putting her finger on Rachel's lips. "I won't take no for an answer! Now we'll talk about arrangements and everything later today!"

Mia left the room, leaving Rachel by herself.

"I've got to listen to Monica more!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**_In Westchester, Monica, Chandler, and Ross are at the Bings' house. Ross and Chandler are telling Monica about "Joey the Jolly."_**

"But why would Joey do magic?" asked Monica. "I mean, it's not like she's in love with Phillip. Plus, Joey has no experience in magic, whatsoever. And why on Earth would his stage name be _Joey the Jolly_?"

"Apparently he gets his jollies to watching himself getting his jollies!" Chandler exclaimed.

"Oh my god! Are you serious?" shrieked Monica.

"No, I just couldn't think of a better reason!" Chandler said, starting to snicker at his pitiful joke.

"Well listen, guys," Ross began. "I've got to pick up _Joey the Jolly_. So I'll see you guys."

"Okay, I'll walk you out," Chandler said, as they got up.

Monica was now alone in the house. With nothing to do, she began watching _Desperate Housewives_, which had already started about 40 minutes prior. She got so wrapped up in the show that she realized that she had watched the entire show and Chandler had yet to return, so she decided to see what was going on. She walked outside, to see Chandler outside sitting on the grass in a complete daze.

"Chandler!" Monica ran to him. "You've been out here for the past 20 minutes! What's wrong?"

"Mon...Monica…you will not believe what Ross told me…"

"How long have you been sitting here?" she said, getting up and walking him to the door.

"About ten minutes…that's when Ross left…oh my God…"

"Chandler, come on! Please tell me what Ross told you, and hurry. We still have to drop the twins off at my parents, and meet the others at Central Perk!"

"Ross said…Ross said…"

"What did he say?"

"Ross said that…_The Drew Carey Show_ is going off the air in September!" he sat down with his back to the door so that he closed it.

**(A/N: Remember, if there was an eleventh season, it would take place in 2004. And at that time, _The Drew Carey Show_ did go off the air.)**

"You are telling me that you've been here for twenty minutes because some stupid show is being cancelled?" Monica screamed, getting him back up.

"Stupid show? Stupid show?"

"Yes stupid show. Now let's stop fighting and get ins-…" Monica stopped speaking, when she realized that she could not get the door open.

"What's wrong?" Chandler asked, coming up to her.

"When you sat down…I think you closed the door…and it locked!"

"Mon, what's the big deal?"

"Chandler! We're not single and in our twenties anymore! We are MARRIED and we have CHILDREN in there by themselves!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_**Back in Paris, Rachel is at a restaurant, when Mia comes in.**_

"Hey Mia," Rachel said, getting up to shake her hand.

"Hey! Thanks again for letting me treat you." Mia replied.

"But you aren't. You just suggested the restaurant."

"If you say so," Mia said. She sat down in the chair next to Rachel, when someone else appeared.

"Oh my God! Everywhere I go!"

"Hello there Rachel!" said Mr. Jeckles, coming up.

"Hi Mr. Jeckles…"

"I see you have a friend. I COULD have a friend!" he screamed.

"Nice to know…Well this is my new assistant, Karen."

Mia turned to Rachel. "Rachel, what do you mean? That's not…"

"Trust me!" Rachel interrupted. "You don't want _him_ knowing you real name. I figured that out the hard way."

Mia now turned back to Jeckles. "Hi! Karen San Lucas! Nice to meet you!"

"You two are having such a nice evening. I COULD!" he screamed, walking off.

"Wonderful…" Rachel sighed, then turned to Mia. "You're good."

"So are you," she said in a way that sounded a little odd to Rachel, but she brushed it off.

After drinks and meals, the two ladies began talking.

"Anyway Rachel, tell me about yourself," Mia said to her.

Rachel was silent for a minute. Where to begin? Growing up as the Jewish Long Island Princess? Getting drunk and marrying the guy who had a crush on her for ten years? Divorcing the guy who had a crush on her for ten years? Having a baby with the guy who had a crush on her for ten years? And most importantly, NOT going on a break with the guy who had a crush on her for ten years! So she said only what she could think of.

"My life's been pretty uneventful. So what about you?"

"Oh well," Mia began. "I guess the most important thing about me is that-" Mia stopped when her cell phone rang. "Excuse me for a minute." She took the call, then after about a minute of talking, she hung up. "I'm so sorry, Rachel. I have to go." She said, starting to stand up.

"Oh okay." Rachel said, grabbing their purses and coats.

"This was really fun, Rachel. We should do it again soon." Mia went up to Rachel and gave her a kiss…on the lips...a long kiss…that everyone in the restaurant saw…you get the point. Then she left the restaurant. Rachel just stood there. Then Jeckles, who was still there, came up.

"I KNEW you were a lesbian!" he screamed. "I COULD be you know!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_**It's about ten minutes before the magic show. Ross is there with Phoebe and Mike, who are sitting down next to him.**_

"So where are the others? Are they even coming?" Phoebe asked Ross.

"Well," Ross said, "I have no clue where Mon and Chandler are. I left their place about half an hour ago. Meanwhile…" Ross didn't know what to say, because he didn't want Phoebe to learn of Joey's crush (especially since Mike was there).

"Meanwhile what, Ross? Where's Joey?"

"Well, Joey has a surprise for…" he started to say "you", but didn't want Phoebe to think anything. "…us. But he didn't say what. He's changing now."

"He'd better hurry up. The show is about to start!" Phoebe said, getting up to talk to Phillip. Mike followed her. Once they were gone, Joey (or _Joey the Jolly_, if you prefer) came out in his costume.

"So where's Phoebe?" he asked Ross.

"They went to talk to Phillip. Listen, are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes! The only way to impress Phoebe is to do things that she likes! And apparently, she loves magic!"

"Oh come on Joey! What's the big deal? Just be yourself!"

"I've been myself for the past ten years!"

"But you haven't loved her for the past ten years!"

"Look Ross," Joey began, "I'm not going to listen to your 'mumbo-jumbo be yourself crap!' I have to do this!"

"Okay…" Ross said, knowing he was defeated.

But before Joey could say anything, Phoebe and Mike came back.

"Hey Joey!" Phoebe said. "Nice clothes. What's the occasion?"

"Well…I thought…maybe I'd do a little magic myself tonight!" Joey fumbled out.

"Hey that's great! I was looking for a magician!"

"Really?" said Joey hopefully.

"Yeah! I just called Phillip, and he said he'd be a little late. He wanted me to find an opening act for him! You're perfect!"

"Um…sure!" Joey said reluctantly.

"Great! Come on Mike. Let's get up front!" Phoebe said, as she and Mike left.

"Oh my God!" Joey sighed, sitting down.

"What's wrong, Joe?" asked Ross.

"Ross, I didn't expect to do any actual magic tonight!" he replied. "I just dressed like this! I don't want to go up there!"

"Well, you're in trouble now, Joey." Ross said.

"I know! Why did Phoebe have to like magicians? Why not actors? Or good-looking actors? Or good-looking actors who have lots of sex? Or good-looking actors who have lots of sex, while they're other friends don't?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_**Back at Monica and Chandler's, the couple is trying to get back in the house.**_

"What are we going to do?" shrieked Monica. "Our children are in there by themselves, and we are out here thanks to The Damn _Drew Carey Show_!"

"Okay. Let's see. We just have to get out cell phones…and never use the _Drew Carey Show_'s name in vain!" Chandler screamed, as Monica sighed.

"Okay." Monica began to check her pockets for her phone. "I don't have my phone!" Monica screamed.

"Well, neither do I!" her husband replied.

"How are we possibly going to get inside? The nearest people with copies of the key are at some stupid magic show! And they don't even know we're locked out!"

"Let's calm down." Chandler began. "Now we don't have any way to contact our friends. It looks like all of our neighbors aren't at home."

"I bet they're all at that stupid magic show." Monica cut in. "What can we possibly do? How are we going to get in?"

But before Chandler could answer, they could hear the phone ring. They went to a window so that they could at least hear the message.

_You've reached the Bing residence. We're not available right now, but if you leave a message, we'll get back to you as soon as possible! _Monica said on the answering machine, in an overly cheery voice. _Oh my God! You guys haven't changed that thing yet! That message is so stupid! But anyway, it's Rachel. Something crazy happened tonight and I blame you, Monica! Hurry and get back! Oh, and by the way, I'd also advise you to take that key from under your Welcome Mat. Any weird freaks could get in! Believe me…Well see you guys!_

The message was over.

"What the hell did Rachel mean?" Chandler asked.

"I don't know," Monica began. "But I'll bet it has something to do with that assistant."

"No not that. I mean, about the key under the Welcome Mat. Was there ever a key there?"

Monica zoned out. "Oh My God! I can't believe I forgot about that! I always had a key there!" Monica quickly went under the mat and got the key.

"You mean, we were out here for half an hour, and you had a key under there all along?" Chandler screamed, as Monica opened the door.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_**In Paris, Rachel is in her apartment, talking to Monica on the phone.**_

"So technically, I saved your lives!" Rachel insisted.

"What are you talking about?" asked Monica.

"Well, if it wasn't for that message, you never would have gotten inside!"

"Not exactly, Rach. You never would have called me in the first place if it wasn't for your assistant kissing you. And she never would have if you hadn't hired her. And you never would have hired her if it wasn't for me! So I saved my own life!"

"Well, if we're being so precise," Rachel began, "Then _we_ never would have met again if I hadn't run out on Barry. So you should thank me! Top that Geller-Bing!"

"I will soon, I never lose. But anyway, what will you do about Mia?"

Rachel thought for a minute. "I really don't know. I mean, she's a great person to hang out with, but it's so awkward! How can I possibly tell her that I'm not a lesbian?"

"No idea. But—"

Monica was interrupted by a knock on Rachel's door.

"Got to go, Mon. Someone's at the door."

"Bye Rach," Monica said, as Rachel hung up. She answered the door and it was Mia.

"Hey Mia…" she said a little anxiously, "Come on in."

"Thanks, but I won't be long. I just wanted to apologize about that kiss at the restaurant."

"What?" Rachel said, pretending she had forgotten. "Oh! That? It escaped my mind immediately!"

"Well anyway," Mia continued, "The reason I did it was because my uncle told me that you were a lesbian too."

"Wait a minute…You have an uncle that knows me?"

"Yeah, he's your neighbor. My Uncle Terry."

"Terry…Terry…Ter…wait a minute. You don't mean…Terry Jeckles, do you?"

"Exactly! He's how I found about the job opening in the first place, and he told me that you were a lesbian!"

"Wow…" Rachel said, stunned. "But wait a minute…in the restaurant, you acted as if you didn't know him…and he acted as if he didn't know you!"

"Well, I know this is kind of shallow, but I don't really like people knowing he's my uncle."

"Good point. But why did he act like he didn't know you?"

"He was probably drunk. Although even when he's sober, he calls me Mary."

"And I thought being his _neighbor_ was bad!"

"Well, anyway, I just wanted to apologize, and I'll talk to my unc—"

Mia would have continued, but Rachel's phone began to ring.

"Excuse me," Rachel said, getting her phone. "Hello?"

"WE NEVER WOULD HAVE NEVER MET IN THE FIRST PLACE IF I HADN'T FOLLOWED YOU AROUND IN HIGH SCHOOL!" screamed a voice.

"Monica? What is wrong with you?" Rachel screamed.

"Well, earlier we were talking about who was to thank for getting inside, and I win! I always win! And I always will!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TAG

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_**At Monica and Chandler's, the couple is there with their babies, when Ross and Phoebe enter.**_

"Hey guys, where were you?" Phoebe asked.

"Don't ask…" Monica and Chandler both sighed.

"Well anyway, I've got to get home with Mike," she turned to Ross.

"Are you going to be okay with Joey?"

"Yeah," Ross said.

Phoebe said her goodbyes and left.

"So what's wrong with Joey?" Chandler asked.

"Well," Ross began, "The magician never showed up, and since Joey appeared to be a magician, he had to perform!"

"So how did it end up?" Monica asked.

As if to answer her question, Joey entered. He was covered in broken eggs, feathers, milk, and what appeared to be a few parts of a stuffed penguin.

"What the hell happened to you?" Chandler screamed, getting up.

"Everything backfired, everything exploded, everything smells funny because I think the milk is sour, and every_one_ saw, including Phoebe!"

"Joey…" Monica said. "Like we all have been saying, Mike's husband is not even a magician! She would not be impressed!"

"Besides, she told me that magicians are so out of style now. She says that actors are what are cool!" Ross exclaimed.

There was a long pause, until…

"If you'll excuse me," Joey began, "I'm going to get the remains of Hugsy, make Ross take me home, and watch Die Hard movies, while eating ice cream."

Joey left to the car. Monica and Ross were shocked.

"Oh my God, poor Joey!" Monica exclaimed.

"He's really hung up on her." Ross said.

"Calm down you two. I know what will cheer him up." Chandler got and went poked his head outside. "WELL I GUESS I'LL JUST STAY UP AND WATCH BAYWATCH RERUNS ALL BY MYSELF!"

He went back and sat down peacefully. Monica and Ross just stared.

Chandler began to count down. "Three…two…on--" But before he could finish, Joey was already in with a beer in his hands.

"Bring on the Bleeth!" he screamed, as the Geller siblings just stared and walked away.

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**Help Me With the Story!**

Okay readers! Time to help me! In the next episode, The One With the Dinner, Rachel will get her first steady boyfriend. My question is…Who will be the actor who plays him? In your reviews, I want you all to leave me your suggestions on who should play the boyfriend. I'll stop accepting on August 27th (but I'm not saying I'll update then). Here are the choices (all of which have been romantically linked to Jennifer Aniston at one point in time):

A. Brad Pitt (as a completely different character than his Season 8 appearance)

B. Vince Vaughn

C. Tate Donovan (as a completely different character that his Season 4 appearances)

D. Adam Duritz

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Please choose wisely and of course, review!


	4. The One With the Dinner

**Disclaimer: I am disappointed to say that I don't own Friends. NBC, Warner Bros., and Bright-Kauffman-Crane Productions own them. (Although I'm proud to say that I don't own Rachel's father!) But I DO own Jeckles, Mia, Mr. Testaverde, Harriet, Daniel, and Seasons 1 through 10 on DVD!**

**Author's Note: I honestly don't know how far Westchester is from Greenwich Village, but in my world, it's nearby. And you may notice that Mike is now out of the opening credits. This is because…well, when he's in a show, he only has like one or two lines (if any at all). So on with the show!**

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_The One With the Dinner_

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OPENING SCENE

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**_We'll start today's episode in Paris. Rachel and her assistant Mia are coming back from lunch, when they run into Mr. Testaverde._**

"Oh hello sir," Rachel and Mia both greeted.

"Green. De Martinez."

"Um…how can we help you sir?" Rachel asked, as the three kept walking.

"Well, apparently it's the time of year when I must invite an employee to dinner."

"Why is that sir?" Mia asked. "Is it in the company rules or something?"

"Not exactly…my mother made me. She said if I didn't, then…then…I'D HAVE TO MOVE OUT!!!"

The ladies were at a loss for words at his sudden outburst, but Rachel broke the long silence. "So…when is it?"

"Well, you ought to be there tonight at seven, I guess…" he angrily walked off, leaving Rachel and Mia alone.

"So I guess you have dinner plans for tonight…" Mia said, right as her janitor uncle, Mr. Jeckles came up to them.

"Hi Rachel; Hi…niece," he said, failing to remember Mia's name.

"Hi Uncle Jeckles…" Mia replied dully.

"So, I hear you have dinner plans. I COULD have dinner plans."

"Well, that's great. Bye!" said Rachel, starting to walk off with Mia.

Once they were in the office, Rachel quickly closed and locked the door.

"Oh my God!" Rachel began. "How on earth is he your uncle!?"

"I honestly think I'm adopted," she replied, sitting at her desk. "So what are you going to do about Testaverde's dinner?"

"Wha…what do you mean _me_?"

"Well, do you really _me_ to go to his house? I mean come on! He's like fifty years old and he lives with his mother!"

"Okay, I _have_ to come, so you've got to come with me! You know, for moral support!"

"You want moral support? I'll give you a pep talk on the way to his house."

"Mia!" Rachel sighed, "Come on! If you don't go with me, then you'll be at your apartment alone, and sooner or later, your uncle is going to stalk you again!"

There was a silence, until Mia spoke again. "Oh God, Testaverde _is_ the lesser of two evils!"

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OPENING CREDITS

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**Starring:**

**Jennifer Aniston**

**Courteney Cox-Arquette**

**Lisa Kudrow**

**Matt LeBlanc**

**Matthew Perry**

**David Schwimmer**

**with Brad Pitt as Daniel**

**and Danny DeVito and Mr. Testaverde**

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EPISODE

**------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_**Meanwhile in New York (Central Perk to be exact), Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are sitting, drinking coffee, and all that good stuff.**_

"My massage numbers are completely going down!" Phoebe was telling the others. "I haven't given one in weeks!"

"Don't worry, Pheebs; you'll get back on your feet," said Monica.

"But still…wait; maybe I can massage you guys!" Phoebe exclaimed.

"No way!" Chandler screamed, "The only one of us who can touch me when I'm naked is Monica!"

"If that…," Monica murmured to Joey. "Well, Phoebe, you know you're not massaging me."  
"Hell yeah!" Phoebe agreed.

"Why?" Joey said. "What happened?"

"Oh nothing…," they both replied.

"Well what about you, Joe?" Chandler stated.

"Yeah!" said Phoebe, "You've been stressed for some reason lately! You NEED a massage!"

"Oh…um…sure. Ok."

"Great!" she replied, starting to get up. "Be at my place in an hour."

"Ok…" he said, as she left.

"Okay Romeo. What's wrong?" Monica asked.

"Well, I'm still not exactly over this Phoebe thing," Joey said.

"So what does that have to do with a massage?" Chandler asked.

"Okay, think about it. I am in love with Phoebe…and I'm getting a massage from her. And I have dreams of her being with me, even some dreams of her giving me a massage!"

"Oh I get it!" Chandler realized. "You're afraid you'll have a problem with keeping your boy scout in his tent?"

"Exactly!" Joey screamed.

_Just then, Ross came in, looking depressed. He had Emma with him._

"Hi…" he said in his typical depressed voice.

"Ross, what's wrong?" asked Chandler.

"Well, today's my last day with Emma."

The others all gave sighs of disappointment.

"I'm so sorry, Ross!" Monica said, hugging him.

"Thanks," he replied. "Well, I have her until 5 o'clock; that's when Dr. Green is coming to your house to get her."

"Wait a minute…" began Chandler, "Why did you say 'your house' instead of 'my apartment'?"

"Well, because…I told Dr. Green that I'd be at your house; thanks!" Ross said quickly.

"What? Why?" Chandler screamed. "Why did you invite that man to our house!?"

"Chandler, what is your problem with Rachel's dad?" Monica asked.

"Mon, don't you remember Dr. Green?" Joey asked her. "He is evil! He's crazy! He's a madman!" There was a pause, followed by: "Well, that's what Ross says anyway."

"Well, I don't want to be with him alone for a second. Will you guys please let me come over?" Ross asked with hopeful eyes.

Monica thought for a minute. "Oh all right. Since it's your last day with Emma for a while, I might as well make it a little better."

"You're the best!" Ross said.

"I still don't get it, Ross," Phoebe began, "What's so bad about Dr. Green?"

"Well let's start when we were first going out…"

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_**Later that evening in Paris, Rachel and Mia are at the front steps of the Testaverde house.**_

"Um…why are we doing this again?" asked Mia.

"Because we finally have good jobs and we don't want to lose them?" Rachel replied.

"Fair enough," said Mia, ringing the doorbell. An elderly woman, around 80, answered.

"Well hello there. You must be Rachel and Mia. I'm Harriet Testaverde. Please come in."

"Thank you," said Rachel, as she and Mia entered the house.

"Roy will be down in just a moment," Harriet began, "In the meantime, you can just sit down and…"

She stopped herself when a young man, about the age of 30 came down the stairs.

"Hi Grandma," he said to Harriet, "Who are they?"

"Don't point! That's rude!" Harriet said, slapping his hand down. "Rachel, Mia, I'd like you both to meet my grandson, Daniel."

Daniel shook both of their hands.

"Wow, I didn't know that Roy had a son," Mia said.

"He doesn't," Daniel said. "I'm his sister's son."

"Daniel, get these ladies some drinks, while I get your uncle," said Harriet, going up the stairs."

"Well," Daniel said to Rachel and Mia, "All they have is ginger ale and prune juice. I'll get you some champagne that I hid in my truck."

He walked outside, leaving Rachel and Mia on the couch.

"He's perfect!!!!" screamed Rachel.

"Perfect? Perfect for what?"

"The position of my husband!"

"Excuse me?" Mia asked, shocked.

"Oh come on! Even you have to admit that he's cute!"

Mia sighed, "I suppose…he may have a _slight_ appeal. But it doesn't matter! You shouldn't pursue this!"

"Why are you taking away my dream?" Rachel asked disappointedly.

"Didn't you mention that you once had a relationship with someone at your old job? Togg or something?"

"It was Tag. And this is totally different!"

"How?"

"Daniel is hotter."

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_**At Monica and Chandler's in New York, the couple, along with Ross and the three babies, is there, when there is a knock on the door.**_

"The Spawn of Satan has arrived!" Ross screamed, jumping to his feet.

There was a long pause while Monica and Chandler looked at him. Then Chandler stood and walked to the door. "You need help," he said. He opened the door and it wasn't Dr. Green, but Joey and Phoebe. She had her massage equipment with her.

"Hey guys!" Monica greeted, going to them. "What are you doing here? Aren't you giving Joey a massage?"

"Oh I still am," Phoebe began. "It's just that Joey prefers to be massaged in a more rural area where it's more peaceful. Unlike the hustle and bustle of the city."

Chandler and the Geller siblings were shocked at Joey's pitiful excuse and at Phoebe's ignorance.

"Anyway Joey, I'll set up in the guest room," Phoebe said, going upstairs.

"Thanks for covering guys," Joey said.

"No problem," replied Monica, "but why exactly are you _here_? We'll have enough drama with the 'Spawn of Satan' as Ross wants to put it."

"It would've been bad enough being massaged by her, but alone? I can't do that!" he told them; then he turned to Ross. "And 'Spawn of Satan'?"

Ross said nothing; he simply nodded.

"Well, you've just got to get massaged," Monica began. "Or give Phoebe a good enough reason as to why you aren't getting a massage."

"How about I tell her I'm allergic?" Joey asked hopefully.

"Rachel may have tricked Monica with that, but it won't work again." Chandler stated.

"Joey, just do it and get it over with. You need to relax anyway," said Ross.

"Okay," Joey said, "I'll just relax. It _is_ a massage anyway. I can do this. I'm Joey!"

With that, he walked upstairs. As soon as he was gone, the doorbell rang again.

"SPAWN OF SATAN!!!"

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_**At the Testaverde house in Paris, everyone (Rachel, Mia, Mr. T., Harriet, and Daniel) is sitting down to dinner.**_

"Wow Harriet, all of this food looks wonderful," Mia complimented.

"Oh thank you. But Daniel did most of the cooking," she replied.

Rachel smiled, turning to Daniel. "You cook?" she asked in an obviously flirty way.

"A little here and there," he replied, unknowingly. Mia, who did know, pulled her away from him.

"Will you get a hold of yourself?" Mia said in a low voice that no one in the Testaverde family noticed. "What would Testaverde say if he found out that you liked him? I mean, before you came here, I worked as an intern and I learned two things about Testaverde."

"And one of them is to never mention his stripping career?" Rachel asked.

"Yes; and the other rule is to never date a coworker or a relative of a coworker. He'll fire you!"  
"What? That makes no sense! He should get arrested! Isn't that illegal!?"

"Ladies?" called out Harriet. She and the other men may not have heard them but they knew that they were talking.

"Sorry…" Mia and Rachel bashfully replied. They all started to eat.

_During the dinner, everything was pretty much the same. Mr. T. tried to ignore Rachel and Mia. Harriet kept offering food to everyone politely. Rachel kept flirting with Daniel. Mia kept scowling at her and giving her warnings about "the rules." And Daniel was clueless to Rachel's feelings. Everything was normal until there was a knock on the door. Harriet went to answer it._

"Who could that be?" Rachel asked Daniel.  
"I don't know," he began. "We only expected you two tonight."

Just then, Harriet walked back into the room. "Um…Mia, someone is here looking for you."

"Me?" she asked, standing up.

"Well, he asked for 'Morella', but that's closer to Mia than Rachel."

"Mia, who did you invite here?" asked Rachel.

"I didn't invite anyone!" she replied. "I don't know who…"

She stopped when the person who was looking for Mia came into the room.

"Jeckles?" Rachel screamed.

"Oh no!" Mia said, running to her uncle. "Uncle Terry, what are you doing here!?"

"I was bored. And I overheard that you were here. So I'm here now! So move out of my way, Melissa, I'm hungry!"

Jeckles sat down in Mia's seat as everyone looked on at him.

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**_The Bing house in Westchester. Well, the Bings' upstairs guest room anyway. Joey is lying on the table and Phoebe is massaging him normally._**

"Now just relax," Phoebe said. "Think of calm, pleasant thoughts…let your mind wander freely."

"But not too freely," Joey thought to himself.

"So anyway Joey," Phoebe began casually while massaging him, "why HAVE you been so stressed out lately?"

"I don't know…" he replied, trying to change the subject. "Well…I guess it's because…I've been out of cereal for like a month, and I don't have any money to buy more."

"Well that's stupid!" Phoebe stated, as if it was obvious. "Just steal Monica and Chandler's cereal when they aren't looking! I do it all the time and they never know!"

_Let's jump about a half hour later; Joey is desperately trying to stay "calm" and Phoebe continues to talk about cereal._

"Oh my God, she's so amazing…" Joey thought to himself. "She's so perfect at massaging…and rubbing and tenderizing…and…NO JOEY! Don't do that! Okay, let's think of something else…Baywatch! No not Baywatch…Porn! What Joey are you crazy? Never porn! Hmm…Monica…yeah, Monica. Monica's…hair, Monica's neck, Monica's…arms, Monica's boobs…yeah, Monica's boobs…NO!"

"Are you all right Joey? You haven't talked for a while." Phoebe asked in concern.

"MONICA'S BOOBS!" screamed Joey. Phoebe stopped massaging and looked at him for a second, then returned to massaging.

"What the hell was that?" Joey thought. "Now she probably thinks that I like Monica!"

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_**Cut to the living room. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch with the twins, and Ross is sitting in a chair, holding Emma. Dr. Green is in a chair next to Ross.**_

"Monica…"

"Yes, Dr. Green?" asked Monica.

"If you knew he was gay, why'd you marry him?"

Everyone was silent, and Chandler looked shocked.

"I'm right here!" Chandler screamed.

"Whatever gay guy," Dr. Green replied. He drank some coffee without giving it a second thought. Chandler, on the other hand, looked like he was about to explode. Monica could tell so she took him into the kitchen

"Will you calm down?" Monica said. "This is Rachel's father; you've got to be nice to him!"

"Why exactly? You know, Rachel and I were never that close anyway!"  
"Come on Chandler! Look, if he does anything to you again, I promise I'll make up some excuse for you to leave."  
"DEAL!" he screamed. They walked back into the living room and sat down.

"So Monica…" began Dr. Geller, "those boobs of yours…they're fake right?" **(A/N: I know I'm mentioning Monica's boobs a lot but I couldn't think of anything else!)**

Ross and Chandler looked as if they were about to explode in laughter…Monica didn't. Instead, she said through gritted teeth, "EXCUSE US!" and dragged herself and Chandler into the kitchen.

"Well, well, well," Chandler said, smirking.

"I cannot believe him! He thought that the ladies were fake!"

"But he thought that I was gay!"  
"Yeah but that's more believable."

But before Chandler could react, Ross entered.

"Okay, you guys are leaving me alone with him for too long. Now what's wrong?"  
Chandler spoke. "Tell me this Ross. What's more believable: Monica having fake boobs or me being gay?"

"Well, as much as I would love to talk about my baby sister's boobs—" Both Monica and Ross took a second to cringe. "—I do not want to be stuck in a room with the Spawn of Satan any more."  
"So what are we supposed to do about it?" Monica asked.

"Well, I really feel like I need to spend some more goodbye time with Emma; so I'll take her, and the twins I guess, up to the nursery, and you two can spend time with Dr. Green. Okay bye!"

Ross ran out before Monica or Chandler could protest, and by the time they were back in the living room, Ross and the babies were gone.

"What the hell just happened?" Monica asked, in a low voice so that Dr. Green could not hear.

"Well, your brother just left the Spawn of Satan alone with Ms. Fake Boobs and Mr. Homo."

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_**Rachel's Parisian apartment; Rachel and Mia are entering.**_

"Now that was…" Mia began. "The most bizarre evening of my entire life and I hope to never relive it."

"Whatever Mia. Tonight was wonderful!"

"Speak for yourself! While you spent the night flirting with a clueless moron, I had to make sure that my drunk uncle didn't pee on any of the furniture!"

"Okay…let's promise to never speak of that again…and now we're going to change the subject!"  
"All right then. Are you going to tell Daniel?" asked Mia.

"Tell him what? That I have a grade-school crush on him because he's hot?"

"Oh come on! Back when I thought you were a lesbian, I made out with you in public!"

"…We will also never speak of _that_ again."

"Rach, you've got to tell him," Mia protested.

"Why? What good will it do?"

"Well, seeing how he's as dumb as a doorknob, if you tell him you like him, you can be his first girlfriend!"

"Oh my God Mia! First of all: he's not dumb!"

"But he completely saw through your obvious flirting!"

"Excuse me? My flirting is very subtle and issued with class and style."

"Which in normal-people-language means that your flirting is so obvious that your friends in New York could tell without having to call you!"

"Okay then, let's prove it." Rachel said, heading to the phone.  
"Let's make it interesting. I'll bet five bucks that your friend Phoebe can tell that you've been flirting."

"Deal!" Rachel agreed and they shook hands. Rachel then dialed the number and put it on speakerphone.

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_**Chandler and Monica's guest room, Joey is getting dressed and Phoebe is cleaning up when her cell phone rings.**_

"Hello?" Phoebe said into the phone.

"Hey Pheebs, it's Rachel."

"Oh hey Rach!" Phoebe greeted.

"Listen Phoebe, what do you think I've been doing today?"

"Um Rachel that's a pretty random question…even for me."  
"No…I mean, what do you think I was doing tonight?"

"Well…you were at Testaverde's house…and knowing you, there was probably some guy around there…OOH! And I'm getting really freaky vibes from you…You must have been flirting! It's like so obvious now!"

Just then Phoebe heard two screams, one of pleasure and laughter and another in shock and disbelief. Then the call was disconnected.

"Oh great…" Phoebe began, "First Joey dreams about Monica's boobs, and now Rachel is French Bitch!"

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**_Chandler and Monica's living room. Dr. Green is at the door, Chandler and Monica are there as well, and Ross is in the center, holding Emma._**

"Come on Geller!" Dr. Green yelled. "I've got to go!"

"Okay, okay…can I just have a few minutes? Please?"

"Whatever! Just hurry up!" Dr. Green stormed off. Ross turned to Monica and Chandler.

"If you don't mind, could I be alone with Emma?"

"Sure," Monica replied; she and Chandler walked into the kitchen, leaving Ross with his daughter.

"…I can't believe you're leaving me. It seems like yesterday when you were just born and now you're going away. I bet you'll have so much fun in Paris…Please don't forget me honey; I know I won't forget you. I hope you can at least understand what I'm saying…If you can, just remember how much I love you and care for you. And remember that I'll always be there…now matter how far apart we may be…I'll always be there whenever you need me...I love you Emma."

_Ross gave Emma a kiss and handed her to Dr. Green, who was now waiting at the door. Monica and Chandler came back in as Phoebe and Joey came down the stairs. They all walked outside and waved goodbye to Emma as the car pulled off. Everyone walked back inside. Monica hugged Ross, who was about to cry, and soon everyone else joined in on the hug._

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TAG

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_**Monica and Chandler's living room. Ross has went home, and Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are still there, when Monica's cell phone rings.**_

"Hello?" Monica said, sounding a little upset.

"Hey Mon!" Rachel greeted. "What's wrong?"

"Oh nothing," she replied, getting herself together. "What's up?"

"Well, I know this is gonna sound weird, but do you know what I've been doing today?"

"Is this some survey question or something?"

"No Monica! I'm trying to see if I'm predictable. Now come on! Put me on speaker and let's see!"

"Okay…" Monica replied confused. She put the phone on speaker.

"Listen up everyone!" Rachel started. "I want to see if I'm predictable or not, so I want each of you to tell me what you think I've been doing tonight."  
"Rachel what's with all the questions today?" Phoebe pondered.

"You're there, Phoebe? Don't answer the question. We talked about this earlier, remember?"

"Sure whatever…" said Phoebe, then in a lower voice, "French Bitch."

"Okay Joey!" Rachel said, apparently not hearing Phoebe. "What do you think?"

"Well, I think you need to get out more first of all," Joey said. "But if I have to guess…I'd say…you were doing some flirting!"

"Oh yeah definitely!"  
"It's so obvious!"  
"That's what I said!"

But before they could hear a definite answer from Rachel, they instead heard someone laughing wildly and another yelling "Shut up, Mia!"

_Time lapse…_

"Come on Joey, let's go." Phoebe said, getting her stuff.

"Okay," Joey walked outside with Chandler and Phoebe stayed with Monica.

_Outside…_

"So how did it go, Joe? Did anything…strange happen?" Chandler asked.

"Nope! It went great; she has no clue that I like her!"

_Inside…_

"Monica, you'd better be careful," began Phoebe. "While I was massaging Joey, he was busy dreaming about your boobs!"

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**Listen Up!**

I've set up a series called What If?. Now you probably have no clue what that is, but go to my profile page and you'll find out more.

**Coming Up Next: _The One with the Bird Funeral_**


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